This is a little bit off the topic of the Grand Story of the Divine Mother. However, as you will see, it somehow ties into it in the end.
I will get back to the narration next week.
This is a photo I took of myself this past Saturday morning. I had just woken up and got dressed for the day. As I walked past the mirror and glanced at myself, I heard myself say – “Oh My God! I look ugly & fat & old.” The glance into the mirror could not have lasted more than a second; For years, however, the consequence of my rejection of that image of me would typically have followed me throughout the day.
Every time I passed a mirror I would have felt my heart sinking again, I would have done something to my face or my body to make me feel a little better or look prettier, all the while rejecting who I was at that moment. Is it not amazing how often we do this to ourselves? We allow the judge within to go on; we do not challenge her; we build a wall around that feeling of being not good enough and unworthy so it does not hurt so much that we cannot function. But that affects how we show up in the world. We show up as less than; we show up as not enough; we show up as, “OMG – I am so not capable of doing more than just existing.” Our light, our divinity is hidden behind this wall of self-hate that we reinforce throughout the day.Over the past several years, I have become acutely aware of this ability I have to sabotage myself with no help from anyone.
As I learn about the importance of self – acceptance, I am also learning to draw boundaries around this judge.
So, this morning, as I heard the “OMG – You are ugly, fat & old” – I paused. I planted my feet a little bit more firmly on the ground, put my hand on my heart and took a few deep breaths. I looked into my eyes and spent some time allowing myself to feel the judgement & the shame of the judgement fully; not pushing it away and suppressing it but fully feeling everything it was doing to me and my body- the sinking heart, the clenched stomach, the hunched shoulders – all of it. As I did that, I became aware that I was neither the judge or the judged. I was the awareness that was holding both of them in the light. As that awareness grew, I felt my heart open, my stomach unclench and my shoulders release. My breath became longer and deeper and a sense of peace returned.
I feel blessed to have gotten to a place where I live with this awareness a majority of the time. Does that mean that I am perfectly happy or at peace all the time? Nooo – I am however, very aware of the constant battle within me of the judge & judged; of the shamer & the shamed. Each time I move from being either polarity and live in the awareness of both, allowing both to exist but neither to rule, I win a battle. The Divine Mother in me has manifested, and I have won.
I would love to hear from you about your experiences with this kind of self-hate. Write a comment below or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
If you would like to chat about how you can stop hating yourself and live from your highest potential book a free 30- minute call at https://calendly.com/sreelatha-meleth/30min/08-23-2016.